Roasts

 you must really be straining your two brain cells to think of a response

 your built like a circle becasue you have no points

  You built like a windshield wiper.

Your face looks like a melted popsicle.

You’re so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye.

You’re as useless as the “g” in “lasagna.”

You deserve to be loved…from a distance.

It’d be great if a shark kissed you on the neck.

You’re the type of person to respond to spam emails.

You’re the human equivalent of a participation award.

You’re not stupid—you just have bad luck with thinking.

I’ll never forget the first time we met, but I’ll keep trying.

You’re the reason why we have directions on toothpaste.

I think you deserve a high five…in the face…with a chair.

Every time I have a stick in my hand, you look like a piñata.

You’re so ugly that when you take a bath, the water jumps out.

Every time I think you can’t get any dumber, you prove me wrong.

Your secrets are safe with me. I never listen when you share them.

Our friendship is all about balance. You start talking…I stop listening.

You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die.

If laziness were a competition, you’d come in second because you’d be too lazy to compete.

I hope you accidentally step on a Lego.

Even Bob Ross would call you a mistake.

If ugly was a day, you’d be an entire year.

Your hairline looks like a McDonald’s sign.

You’re proof that God has a sense of humor.

you look like a “before” photo.

I believed in evolution until I met you.

You’re the reason the divorce rate is so high.

Brush your teeth before you open your mouth.

Don’t you have to get a license to be that ugly?

I would hit you, but that would be animal abuse.

Your opinion is almost as bad as your eyebrows.

Your teeth are so yellow, even the sun is jealous.

If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in better shape.

I’m ugly? Perfect. I was trying to look like you today.

Life is full of disappointments. I just added you to the list.

Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

I’d give you a dirty look, but it looks like you already have one.

I’d love to insult you but it won’t be as good as what nature did.

I’d love to stay and chat, but I’d rather have open heart surgery.

If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.

You’re the type of person to look up and down before crossing the road.

I was going to make a joke about your life, but it looks like life got there first.

I was going to roast you, but then I heard burning trash is an environmental hazard.

i've been called worse by better.

You have the perfect face for radio.

Must be nice to never use your brain.

You’re so fake, even Barbie is jealous.

You’re so ugly you’d make a Happy Meal cry.

I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.

I’d be nice if you used glue instead of chapstick.

Don’t stand too close to the heater…Plastic melts.

You better check your outfit before you come for me.

It sucks that you can’t Facetune your ugly personality.

Hold still…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

You bring me so much joy…when you leave the room.

I forgot the whole world revolves around you. My bad!

You’re not pretty enough to have such an ugly personality.

You’re not just a drama queen. You’re the whole royal family.

The only way you’ll get a partner is if you go on Love is Blind.

Your grades say marry rich, but your mirror says study harder.

There’s someone out there for everyone. For you, that’s a therapist.

I bet I could remove 99% of your attractiveness with a makeup wipe.

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

It’s hilarious how you’re trying to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.

There’s a new app called “being a decent human.” You should download it for research purposes.

You’re sort of like Rapunzel, but instead of letting your hair down, you let down everyone in your life.

Whatever is eating you must be suffering.

Your biscuit’s not done in the middle.

You’re like a lighthouse in a desert: bright but not very useful.

Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

You seem to be suffering from delusions of adequacy.

I do not have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.

I will not have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed.

You do a great job combing your hair. It’s impressive how you’re able to hide the horns.

You may have a sparsely attended funeral.

Don’t worry—the first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.

You’re just like a Russian doll—full of yourself.

You’ve got all the tact of a bowling ball.

You look like something I drew with my left hand.

You bring as much joy to the world as a wet sock.

Does it make you sad that you didn't even make the main stage at the circus?

You seem like the kind of person to fill a waterbed with spring water so you can bounce higher.

You’re as sharp as a pound of wet leather.

You’re a cult of one.

You have the I.Q. of mayonnaise.

You're as useful as wet toilet paper.

You’re as lost as last year's Easter eggs.

You're as useful as a chocolate teapot.

You're a gray sprinkle on a Funfetti cupcake.

If zombies tried eating your brains, they'd starve.

Even Bob Ross would call that a mistake.

I've seen salads dressed better than you.

It must be such a long and lonely journey when a thought crosses your mind.

When I stand close to you, I can hear the ocean.

Halloween is over now, you can take your mask off.

Fee-fi-fo-fum, your breath stank, so chew some gum.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I’d throw it at you.

Roses are red, violets are blue. The smell of rotten eggs reminds me of you.

You're so poor you can't afford to pay attention.

I've seen someone who looked just like you before, but I had to pay admission.

When your mom dropped you off at school, she got arrested for littering.

I've heard my dog fart smarter things.

Your silence speaks volumes, so let's stick to that.

That chill pill I wanted you to take must have been a placebo.

I don’t shut up. I grow up. And when I look at you, I throw up.

Shock me. Say something intelligent.

You want to hear a good joke? Your life.

I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.

Do you get off on making people hate you?

How does it feel to get mogged all the time?

If you had two brains, you’d be twice as stupid.

I may love to shop, but I’m not buying your crap.

I can’t tell what’s worse…Your IQ or your hairline.

You look like Bob the Builder and Shrek had a baby.

Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me either.

If you fear success, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Why play hard to get when you’re already hard to want?

I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.

Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice.

Do you work at a grocery store? Then stop checking me out.

You look like someone dropped a lollipop at the barber shop.

You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?

You must be a magician. How did you escape the circus again?

Are you always an idiot, or do you just show off when I’m around?

I would say you’re dumb as a rock, but at least a rock can hold the door open.

You can be anything you want in life…other than rich, handsome, and successful.

I thought you were attractive when I first saw you, but then you opened your mouth.

I know your parents told you that you could be anything you wanted, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t mean a douchebag.

you really look like a flip phone with that neck

Hickory dickory dock, you built like a Roblox.

Don’t feel bad, don’t feel blue, Ursula was ugly too.

Twinkle, twinkle little star, you’re the definition of subpar.

Eenie meenie miny moe. Your face looks like my big toe.

If I’m a 5, then you’re a 2. Faces like yours belong in a zoo.

Twinkle, twinkle little star, I want to run you over with my car.

Twinkle, twinkle little snitch. Mind your business, you nosy witch.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I’d throw it at you.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought I was ugly until I met you.

Roses are red, the sky is blue. I mind my own business, why don’t you?

Your comebacks are a little thin, maybe they got lost in your double chin.

I’m the type of person to laugh at mistakes, so sorry if I laugh at your face.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I have five fingers, the third one’s for you.

That dress makes you look like a beanbag. Get out of my way, you evil hag.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If you don’t shut up, I’m going to punch you.

Roses are red, violets are blue. The smell of rotten eggs reminds me of you.

Roses are red, witches are green. Look in the mirror, you’ll see what I mean.

Roses are red, violets are blue. The bottom of my laptop is still hotter than you.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d rather be single than with someone like you.

Your makeup is a work of art. If your goal was to scare, you’ve played your part!

I’m trying not to make fun of you, but you can’t even count higher than number two.

What do you mean people call you a dime? Those shoes you’re wearing are a serious crime.